The Giant Shrimp are Coming. For Me
I read that a scientist recently wrote a book claiming that an artifact he observed in our solar system came from an earlier civilization far more advanced than our civilization. I accepted this possibility, though pride in our civilization took a hit. What I found less acceptable was the scientist’s claim that aliens from this civilization have the form of man-sized shrimps.
Why did this theory panic me? First let me say I prefer aliens which are humanoid in form. Less threatening than, say, giant shrimps. But the real reason for my paranoia is the fact that before adopting my exclusively kosher eating discipline, I ate shrimps! Not only ate them, but enjoyed their in-shrimp-sauce cocktail taste.
What I fear is that the super-intelligent shrimp-formed aliens that are light years ahead of us in capabilities can read our minds, including our memories. More particularly, my mind and my memories. Even more particularly, my shrimp thoughts and memories. That they know that I ate – and enjoyed – eating shrimps.
My nightmare is that they may seek a poetic retribution for my shrimp cuisine habits: eating me in their favorite man-sauce.
If alien giant shrimps are more powerful versions of earth shrimp, they could easily subdue me. Earth shrimp use their forelimbs like clubs and deliver blows so quickly and forcefully that pockets of seawater vaporize in explosions of light and heat. They pack a 50 miles-per-hour punch. Now giant shrimp would, accordingly, have much more power and would be able to pummel me without mercy. And since earth shrimp have powerful raptorials that are used to attack and kill prey either by spearing, stunning, or dismembering, their more deadly big brothers might choose to spear me as I speared my cocktail shrimp.
I have some, but not much, hope in the fact that in my memory from 1951 or so, are the words to the song, “Shrimp Boats.” Its first four lines are:
Shrimp boats is a-comin’
Their sales are in sight
Shrimp boats are a-comin’
There’s dancing tonight
Assuming they are not grammar pendants for civilization grammars, the giant shrimp might take this as a pro-shrimp sign on my part and forego any thoughts of ingesting me or otherwise seeking revenge for eating habits that I have long since abandoned. I emphasize this in case they are reading my thoughts at this moment.
I also attempt to block out thoughts that shrimps are not kosher. Not kosher among Jews on the planet earth without speculating whether the kosher laws apply to other planets or civilizations that existed millions or even billions of years before Jewish scripture and commentaries were written. If they have Talmudic scholars among them, they might want to take the latter into consideration. (Idea for Woody Allen movie about giant shrimps – well never mind, his humor might not be viewed favorably by these creatures. If they are far more intelligent than us, they would demand at least the intellectual humor of Mort Sahl.)
Worse thought. Perhaps the aliens are actually lobster-shaped folk and they would discover that in my pre-kosher eating period, I also ate lobster! Perhaps they would wish to get their giant claws on me! Or boil me like a lobster before ingesting me!
Oh how I miss lovable aliens like E.T. Even Spielberg didn’t conceive of shrimp aliens. Or if he did, he was wise enough, via some sixth sense, to opt for cute aliens, or aliens that want good relations with us earth folk.
The scientist’s theories were inspired by his sighting an object he saw in the sky and led him to speculate that it was space remains or junk from the more advanced civilization. (He called it “oumuamua,” no not borrowed from Obama as referred to by Trump). He did not suggest, thank the stars, that it was a shrimp plate or other shrimp-related object which would have seemed to me a death knell for me, as it would go to validate his alien-man-sized-shrimp conjectures and all that I fear from it because of my past-regrettable (if you are reading my thoughts, shrimp guys) ingesting habits.
Remember one man’s (or creature’s) eating habits are another’s anathema. The quality of mercy is not strained on earth (whatever you folks strain, or not strain). Not my original phrasing, a guy named Shakespeare – not comparable, of course, to your brilliant artists which surely use a lot of wonderful, positive shrimp metaphors and images, which if I had any, would throw in here.
By the way, I am a small person in stature, a “shrimp” as the other kids called me, if that helps my cause. True they didn’t use the term complimentarily, but I always accepted the term; especially in retrospect, as now, compared to you super-intelligent and merciful beings.
Larry Lefkowitz's stories, poetry, and humor have been widely published in magazines, anthologies and online. His story collection Enigmatic Tales is published by Fomite press, available from Amazon and Barnes & Noble.